Whoever greenlit the Milwaukee Bucks hand sanitizer cam either watches porn all day long or has never watched any porn. I can’t decide which it is: https://t.co/X77FbfbNE1
Depressing start-of-the-week reminder:
There was a time in our country when we had cocaine in our soft drinks and could buy a Thompson submachine gun at a hardware store.
Enjoy your day.
My 6yo just looked me in the eyes and said, “I didn’t even know music was invented when you were a kid.” And now I wanna know how ancient she thinks I am...
So @fancythis, @junebotprolly and I have decided to start a new business venture. That’s right people! We’re gettin into the vajankle business! (google it)😂😂😂😂😂
look this place is proof that you can have differing political views and still remain friends with people who secretly want you to die a painful death, so it's not all bad ok
Hey, IRS. My tax payment is currently stuck in committee. I’m hoping it’ll get passed soon, maybe after I bomb some brown kids or something. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: Hey Alexa, I need an outfit that says I own a lot of guns, but also says I still enjoy brunch with the boys.
Amazon: I got you, fam. https://t.co/1BZRgn7fuh
You were so scared of covid that instead of getting away from him, you pulled out your phone to take a pic for fake internet points https://twitter.com/RonnieLauth/status/1365065252048695304
You can’t have $2k because these dipshits are trying to pass *checks notes* common sense furniture reform? https://twitter.com/SenBlumenthal/status/1365336011593707520
Half of the country just wants to work, raise their family and be left alone. The other half is full of lonely communists who think white supremacists are running around killing black, gay and trans people. We need a national divorce before things get violent.
lmao CNN did a story on our school being somewhat normal. This is how it’s done, America. https://www.cnn.com/2021/02/25/us/education-ohio-high-school-open-wellness/index.html
@Nuclearpast @TheCensoredRock I don't think it was, but I can't imagine what else it could have been. A solar panel? Those are even lighter. This looked like a piece of steel, but from what? Was this a construction site? lol
Don’t worry, those guys don’t want to date a bitch who looks like a hockey player https://twitter.com/kathrynw5/status/1362997052410454020 https://twitter.com/TheCensoredRock/status/1363177445583683589/photo/1
The Patriarchy continues to try to crush my neck with their heavy boots, cut off my life force and take away my voice—Even those who call themselves artists..............You know who you are!!! DEATH TO THE PATRIARCHY! Now and Forever. #riskwhatyouvalue #valuewhatyourisk https://t.co/A5BtfIIFNR
I’m not mature or smart but you can fuck all the way off, you goddamn dollar store garden gnome https://twitter.com/kaivonsmith/status/1362895515407572993
Just saw some kid at McDonald's with only ONE MASK ON so I pushed the little shit to the ground and told him he's gonna kill my grandma then everyone clapped and I got free McNuggets
🚨🚨🚨 BREAKING: Coca-Cola is forcing employees to complete online training telling them to "try to be less white."
These images are from an internal whistleblower: https://t.co/gRi4N20esZ
Sometimes I like to call the phone number from the first house I lived in and tell the person who answers that it was my phone number growing up. Then my mom tells me to stop calling her unless it’s important.
JUST IN: House Dems have introduced a bill to ban “twice impeached presidents” from burial at Arlington National Cemetery and federal funds from going to buildings displaying their names or acknowledging their achievements
This bill is called the "No Glory For Hate Act" https://t.co/o3Y9n7qJUi
kids today have iPhones, iPads, and laptops and still say they're bored, when i was a kid we had a really good stick we found outside and making up songs about diarrhea
“...and when he’s not posting the best content on twitter, he’s robbing hedge funds blind. Oh my god look, he’s right over there!” https://t.co/tIXU1h0pHv
Surgeons: literally trained on how to properly wear a mask
You: pulls a mask out of your cars cup holder for the fourth time today to go into Walmart
You are not the same https://twitter.com/john_jodonnell/status/1336458087113367552
Ya, I wear a mask but you better be damn sure I will not take a photo with one, because 2020 is already imprinted in my brain forever and I don’t need pics to remember it, or buy a unique one because that’s just douchey.
Last night I reminded my 7yo daughter to finish her Christmas list.
She told me "Dad, I'm not making a list this year".
When asked why, she replied "elves are marginalized people who are exploited for free labor. Santa doesn't even pay $15p/hr."
We hugged & shared a good cry.
The people who have been "resisting" Trump for four years will not be happy when he's gone. Their lives are meaningless and he was their reason to get up everyday. They are miserable people with no true meaning in life. They literally add nothing of value to society.
patient gave me this today, saying it was a poem he wrote and I could only open it with my husband for some reason. Old people are awesome. Not me, like, super old people. https://t.co/A7ScbW7lHN
I wasn't speeding or anything and I was just pulled over by the police. Cop came up to my window and immediately started apologizing bc he said when I passed him he thought I was black
He offered me $20 for my time but I couldn't accept bc I feel for these guys. It's no easy job
I know exactly what it means, but you’re proof that education doesn’t equal intelligence. Enjoy your virtue signaling, you absolute lawn inflatable. https://twitter.com/drwinarick/status/1335243567892148225
Remember when we made fun of the Englishman because he needed a license for everything but now some Americans have to be home when the street lights come on.
Hmm can I get 5 number six with extra mayo and no pickles, 4 large milkshakes with extra whipping cream on the side, how many chocolate cookies you have? I'll have them all. I'm not done yet, add ten large french fries, extra salt and make sure you wear gloves and a mask thanks https://t.co/uZI4aAvKML
i’m pleased to introduce y’all to my newest obsession
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accidental renaissance photos: a thread https://twitter.com/tsukkiskys/status/1333480519447818244/photo/1
laugh at me if you want it's cool BUT I'm trying to get a list of small businesses together to put out so everyone can shop small and unique instead of big and disposable, please reply with a link or just dm me so i can create a directory on all sm formats so we can support YOU!
Just held a persons hand as they died alone, without their family or loved ones by their side. Glad you enjoyed your meal. https://t.co/L4FrRUnIdx https://t.co/RWkBELdRXA
@FuxTweets @warlikefire @jarry_sailor Unlike you, I don’t feel the need to prove myself to internet strangers. That’s a sign of mental illness. This is where we part ways. I had a blast. God bless :)
I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine. It’s the one developed in Russia. I received my first dose this morning at 06:20. It is safe and I’m ok, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι я чувю себя немного стрно и я думю, что вытл осные уши. чувству себя немго страо.
Lmao I don’t feel inferior, but the fact your cankle is the pic you chose to use says you’re lying about your weight 😘 https://twitter.com/FuxTweets/status/1333091400213204994
Im one of those extremists who believe you should take a look at yourself and figure out how to make your life better, instead of relying on a politician to do it for you
“Fight me if.........if you wanna bring a fight over to us” — lmfaoooo let’s just get this civil war over with, bet we won’t even have to miss a day of work https://t.co/z1TlLsKbOr
150,000 people die worldwide on any given day.
Shame on YOU for only caring about those that die from covid. Absolutely disgusting. https://t.co/7iZmdakm41
Part of the country is mad today because people can worship in church and that they will gather with their families to give thanks. Those people can stay mad.
"Chinese" doesn't really invoke the incredible ethnic diversity of China (Han, Uighurs, Tibetans, Mongols, Manchu, etc.) so I use the term "Chinx" instead.
Some lady was buying thanksgiving stuff, clearly for more than 8 people. No mask, of course. So when her back was to me I ran over and tipped her cart over and said happy thanksgiving bitch. Cranberry sauce and corn busted open everywhere
A store clerk thanked me on my way out
INTERESTING STAT: More than double the number of COVID cases contracted in bars and restaurants, have been contracted in government buildings throughout this whole thing
Might be time to close down the government for a while until we can get things under control
People shouldn’t dismiss how stressful the holiday season can be for so many. It’s already been a very tough year. Now I have to sit here and watch the wife pack for everyone. Tough stuff.
34 years ago these three young men fought for our rights, and we have let them all down. https://twitter.com/MickeyBlowtorch/status/1331342973292994560/photo/1
One thing I've learned this year is that about 50% of the population LIKES living in fear.
They actually enjoy it.
If you tell them anything that may question their fear bubble, provide hope, or reduce panic, they get angry at you.
It's mad weird.
Just made the hand motion for a semi-truck driver to pull his horn and he looked at me like I was a middle-aged man riding shotgun in a minivan while my wife drove us to Target.
The people cheering on lockdowns don’t care about you losing your business. They don’t care about you losing your job. They only care about themselves.
On this day, November 22, 2001:
Creed performs an emotional halftime show at the Cowboys-Broncos Thanksgiving game sending a tsunami of chills throughout the nation and uniting the entire world, even if just for a brief moment. https://t.co/6gndFkZnG1
Our local playground is all locked up because of Covid. Well today me and my girls committed our first misdemeanor... not on my watch big government... we’re taking back our playgrounds, one slide at a time. https://t.co/4vE2rHgQCN
Men are more likely to be carriers of COVID. For the sake of safety, and as a sacrifice for my loved ones, I will be isolating in the living room and watching football on Thanksgiving and allowing the women to cook and clean. It's not what I want but it's for the best.
For all you bitches who can’t cook, I’ve got plenty of crowd pleasing Thanksgiving recipes. https://twitter.com/herprettybones/status/1329936633282629633/photo/1
I love when people don't dispute what you said, but instead just waive their hands in the air and scream incoherently https://twitter.com/mikevcreative/status/1329821608953917442
People advocate for mask wearing because it makes them feel like they have some kind of control over the virus. They do not. Nobody does. It will burn through the population whether you wear the mask or not.
Husband: hey, how much is a duvet?
Not super expensive.
H: like reasonably priced?
Yeah, not bad.
H: we should think about getting one in case we run out of toilet paper.
...Okay. What exactly do you think a duvet is??
H: the butthole washer.
That’s a bidet. 🤦🏻♀️
🎤 ♫
Mass graves, nursing homes
CNN and Fredo
Close the schools, blame the Jews
Come out to a protest!
de Blasio at the gym
Book tour, Biden wins
Piss trains all the way
What else do I have to say?
We didn’t stop the virus... https://t.co/hWIy1Kjs8n
Could it be that it's always been about control and not some stupid fucking virus? 🤔 https://twitter.com/AdamantAnarchy/status/1329052798449721347/photo/1
There is no limit to what you can accomplish and how high you can rise in this life. You can be anything you want to be. As long as you’re not stupid or left-handed, the sky is the limit.
@colourmesad @SourceLegendary @byrneslikefire I’ve been out working this entire time, please don’t preach to me about the risks. Nobody gives a shit about us people who make shit happen so the rest of you can hide in your homes.
I'm 40 today! I'd love to see how many shares I can get. I'd be grateful from the bottom of my ❤️: Every year I donate a couple times to hospitals for sick kids. Anything helps. There are items for all ages and budgets. God bless you ❤️🙏🏼https://t.co/WMK72gVum3 https://t.co/LifWyQkZ8J
lmao I bought a house at 29 and didn't go to college. I'm not paying for your shitty life choices. Fuck outta here https://twitter.com/Sherrie66598353/status/1328488955600195586
Walked by my wife’s office to hear her tearing some poor guy a new one and I’m like, “Just shut up, bro. Talking just makes her thirst for more of your blood.”
Dog was so frustrated he couldn’t get the hot dog he started screaming at the other dog 💀🤣🤣 https://twitter.com/rahsh33m/status/1327781484988674048/video/1
Imagine carrying a child for 9 months then raising it for 18 years and this being the end result https://twitter.com/OrwellNGoode/status/1327938506996453377/photo/1
Sounds an awful like like, "Girl, you shouldn't have been out after dark. You were begging for trouble."
Stop making excuses for these people! https://t.co/gzUQ84JB3T
What went so wrong in your life that you feel the need to get on the internet and argue with people at 7:30am on a Saturday https://twitter.com/abcdefuqu/status/1327588812046749697
I drive a Prius bc it's stylish and rides nice but I also have an old diesel truck with no exhaust that I leave running in my driveway all day just to own the Libs
I know it's easy to give up hope, and lose faith in your fellow man.
I know the agonizing headlines day after day can be overwhelming and anxiety inducing.
But the important thing you MUST remember is this- things will get worse. Much worse. Worse than you could ever imagine.
Scene: Our house, a few weeks ago, when the Call of Duty trailer came out.
Older son: Uh, dad, mom thinks this kind of video game is kind of violent—
Me: Son, you are going to go on secret, arguably-illegal missions for President Ronald Reagan and you are going to like it! https://t.co/IVz8gtwRMc
Understand, there are people who are addicted to fear. They want it. They need it. In a warped way, they love covid.
These are the people who ignore any data you provide indicating how low the risk is for healthy people.
They don’t want to hear it.
me: you know what they say about big feet 😏
girl at the bar: *sighs* big sh-
me: *pulls out grainy photo of the woods behind my house* they fucking exist
Currently obsessed with Leta Powell Drake, the greatest interviewer of all time. https://twitter.com/JFrankensteiner/status/1326748637603516417/video/1
I’m flawed. I’m not going to pretend I’m not. We’re all flawed, and to think otherwise is arrogant as fuck. https://twitter.com/AnimeLabs/status/1327103273589850112
the gov is gonna fuck around and and make me invite even the family i don’t like into my house for thanksgiving. pack this house. we’re doing civil disobedience and someone’s gonna get a pie in the face in the process. win/win.
4x Bulgarian Hand Grenades for sale in #Iraq recently for $25 each.
3x GHD-2 (Possibly GHD-3) and 1x GHO-1/GHO-2 with their AF-11 fuzes. These were made in 2017. https://t.co/BasUziBhWt
I love how these people who are pro-lockdown are always willing to risk the lives of “essential workers” so they can stay home and get paid. https://twitter.com/Prest0nT0mpkins/status/1326687943612915719
The media knows Joe Biden isn't the President-Elect. The media knows there is no Office of the President-Elect. The media knows there's evidence of voter fraud. Yet they keep lying to you. Ask yourself why.
Trump was right about spygate, the impeachment hoax, obamagate, the Bidens ties to foreign interests, so on & so forth
What makes y’all so sure he’s bluffing about having proof that the election was stolen?
He seems to only make such bold claims when he’s sure